The one apologetic argument against Christ that cannot be defended by certain believers

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I was in talks with an atheist today who leads up one of the most vehement Anti-Christian organizations. We had some contact in the past previously, and whereas usually I could ward off his attacks about how Jesus’ story borrowed from Mithra or how Jesus’ father was actually roman centurion and other such nonsense, this time he unloaded upon me a novel, devastating apologetic critique against Christ and his nature. To be honest it caught me off guard, so much so that my throat seized in my chest and all I could think of was “That’s it. They got us.” They presented some facts to me about Jesus that are essentially irrefutable. The minute he proposed them to me I became keenly aware that this would forever change the face of Christian apologetics, and maybe Christianity as a whole.

I’m sorry everybody.  I wish there was a way to refute these claims about Jesus, but there just isn’t. This is the most successful assault on the integrity of Christ and his character, and even the history of the Word of God that we have ever faced, and we have been breached. What they tell me about the life of Jesus… it’s too compelling and irrefutable. It’s unassailable, indisputable and incontestable. In light of these new revelations my worldview has collapsed. My paradigms have all shifted. My mind has been blown with the staggering, relentless truths of these claims.

This is what the atheist told me about Jesus. Its not verbatim, but it is a very close approximation.

Jesus was born in Bethlehem, and then move to Greece when he was three.  He didn’t know anything about Hebrew culture at all until Joseph immigrated with his wives to Nazareth in A.D. 14. This is because He spent fourteen years living in majority Greek nations until he arrived in Israel when he was in his early teens. And know what? He hated the people there, and he thought they hated him. At the synagogue, which on his first day he attended wearing his full embroidered Greek tunic, he had difficulty fitting in. Furthermore, Jesus only spoke broken Aramaic which he had learned from watching traders and merchants in the streets of Delphi, which didn’t help matters. Thankfully though, after several years, and through the efforts of a friend named Judas Iscariot, Jesus adapted to the culture and eventually was converted to Judaism, and his desire to commit a Hellenized jihad came to an end.

You can imagine how this devastated me. Nothing in my behavior over the last few years would have equipped me refute this sort of attack on the character of Jesus, especially in light of my defense of Ergun caner. Their formulation of it is genius- diabolically so. Because I was so shook up, I even deigned to contact my frenemy James White to ask him about this, in one last ditch effort to grab unto a glimmer of hope. James told me was more than willing to help. He pulled out the scriptures and showed me in the Gospels where the writers gives explicit and clear textual evidence that this is not the case. He read me scriptures and pointed out how these claims are impossible, and how we have clear evidence that leads us to be confident in the true and unedited story of Jesus found in the Bible. He told me that the atheist’s story was just made up, and that we could easily prove he was lying if we just looked at the facts with an open mind.

But that doesn’t matter. Regardless of all the “evidence” against this that James and other people like him are more than willing to provide me, I can’t believe it. I must trust this atheist and take him at his word. I believe that the new account of Jesus’ life and his history growing up in Greece, and the ramifications it has on the gospels and the story of Jesus cannot be rebutted  merely by appealing to “vast quantities of easily verifiable data and documentation” that would state otherwise. No way. Thankfully, many Christians and other “top-men” have agreed and jumped ship in solidarity with me, supposing as I do that this is too irrefutable, too clever, and too believable to not be true.This is the new normal for us, and the quicker we accept it, the better.

Sincerely, your friend

Peter Lumpkins

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Please note that Peter Lumpkins didn’t actually write this. This is a work of satire

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